Category: Daily Ramblings

for not being able to keep you entertained daily.

I know I”m severely lacking in blog entries. But I’m avoiding entries that say how mundane my work life is. Entries that only says what I’d done that day. I believe this kind of information is not entertaining enough.

I do not blog for the sake of blogging. At least this blog is still.. quite personal to some extent?

Been having many thoughts recently. Decisions to make. Received some news at work and it kind of affected my mood. We’re finally hit by the economic downturn. Oh well..

Have been struck with some confusions, feelings. I seriously think I think too much. That I”m just.. self-asserting pressure.

Whatever I”d typed, seem so generic and vague. haha.. I guess I”m tired. I mean, not that I”m not rejuvenated after the 1 week break, but overwhelmed with the amount of work now. I never had such a hectic work day like today. Back-to-back meetings from 10 till 5. I’m behind schedule for my work ‘coz I was juggling 3 OMS (one man show) projects. Tired as I am, I’m thankful for it. At least, there’s work to be done. Contradicting.

Argh. I think I’m mentally tired now. Probably the above didn’t make any sense to you. I’m just blabbering. Heh.

I’ve not been blogging as faithfully as I want to, but plurk has taken over my life now. Most of my social events now are plurk related. It can get really fun, when you meet new people at every outing. But it brings me to this thought, what about my other friends? Plurk friends are so spontaneous that you can organise a mini outing at the last minute. Somewhere somehow people will turn up.

I really miss my other friends so much. Just feel so lonely at times, gfs are sometimes too busy for heart-to-heart talks. And many times I need a listening ear, knowing that I use the internet (read: MSN) as my main communication tool, gfs are not online. I know I’m better at communicating online, coz I have the time to think how to reply. The brain’s pretty slow at digesting information when chatting face-to-face realtime. Sometimes I just feel like I’m a loser somehow.

I need an offline life. But I suck totally at it.

Plurk is actually quite an addictive thing. I hv the window open the moment I startup the laptop (both work & personal), with MSN being the first or vice versa. I’m happy reading “friends”‘s plurks sometimes, but recently I’ve been muting most of them, coz Plurk is so distracting that it’s affecting my work.

I need to kick this addiction, somehow.

Work has gotten me so busy I don’t feel like attending social events anymore. But the thought of “I’ve not met them for a long time” forced me to attend. Or when the attendees mention that it’s hard to organise gatherings. It’s so hard to turn them down. I really didn’t wish to attend. Plus it’s the pre-CNY period now, I’ve lots of things that I need to do at home – though usually I’ll end up in my room, staring at the plurk screen.

I feel bad enough for my mum to nag nonstop. I’m really really tired from work (but, who isn’t?). I didn’t want dad to do so much of the cleaning, when we could have easily done them ourselves. I want to be a filial one, but I’m too hooked to the internet (Plurk). Shit. Things that no one knows, and no one understands coz I don’t voice it out. I just feel so terrible coz I’m expected to do this and that.

Plus recently I’ve been visiting the doc so often. The sinus – something which I didn’t have before – is causing the blocked nose and the sore throat and the phelgm. 3 visits to the doc within 1 month. Going for a follow-up visit again next week.  I cannot stand those pills. Always have a phobia for them – the feeling of wanting to puke. I seldom puke, but I did tonight. The feeling’s super terrible. The smell seems to linger around (or is it purely psychological?) even though I’ve washed myself TWICE. =(

I’m feeling so tired. Really tired. Looking for the long break next week. Took 3 days off. Boss was asking me if I intend to cancel the leave since my trip is cancelled. I told him my exact feeling – I need a break from work. With a colleague leaving, I’m taking over 3 of her projects (one shared, and 2 fully-owned by me now) on top of my existing project. Feeling too overwhelmed with the workload now. Though I’m on leave next week, I need to work offline. That’s agency life for you. I still have the passion for it, but I need a break somehow.

Much as I really want to blog as regularly as I could, I’m so tired after work that I don’t feel like blogging anymore. If you’ve realised, my recent entries are getting emotional. Too many ups and downs recently. Stuff that are hard to put to the mouth.

I can’t wait for the sinus to be gone (have not researched much on it though). I’m hating the endless cough I get sometimes. I can’t wait for my on-hand projects (4 of them) to be fully completed and launched.

I can’t wait for April to come – that’s when all work is projected to end.

I need a break. Yes I need one.

Year 2008 is coming to an end in less than an hour’s time.

1.5 years ago, I was fresh out from NTU, full of hype and energy.

1.5 years down the road, today, I’m just like any normal white-collar worker – every day is just another working day.

I’ve grown matured? Probably so. In some ways. Work is my priority now, to clear my debts as soon as I can. Can’t wait for the day when I’m debt-free.

Career
Working in an avertising agency, I’ve seen different kinds of clients. Nice ones. Stingy ones.  Crazy ones. You name it, we have it. With the economic crisis now, we’re seeing more of we-want-more-than-what-we’re-paying clients. How pissed I get, I have to bear with it. For the sake of the rice bowl.

Over the year, I felt like I’ve not contributed much to the company. Almost screwed up one project – and that’s because the client was pretty unreasonable. I’m thankful my boss understands. Determined to do my part well, I’m being arrowed to do web2.0 projects – which I’m supposedly to be good at but isn’t. Trying my best to do it well this time, hoping this project will help the company win the upcoming pitch.

I feel my worth. Each of us has our own strengths. And there’s more that I need to learn.

Friends
Over the past 1.5 years, I’m seeing less of my girlfriends. Yet the friendship has gone another step forward. I’m treasuring them now, really glad to have met them in school. Thanks girls for being there!

And there’s this group of buddies, we don’t meet up as often as we should have done, but the friendship is still going strong. Badminton sessions, ktvs, mahjong, dinners. The group where I’m one whom many have not seen. Having known them for 15years now, it’s a friendship that’s hard to get. They’ve seen me through ups and downs, shared many laughters and sorrows. A group where I usually get what I want – that’s ‘coz I’m the only girl. Nevertheless, thank you guys for putting up with me when I’m being unreasonable at times. You know who you are. Thank you!

I may not be the best friend that you have, but I’ll try to be the best listener around. I may not have fared well as a friend, but I’ll try to improve myself. I may have taken you for granted, I’ll try to change that in myself.

Have met new friends in the past few months, they’ve changed my definition of friends. I’m grateful for their companion online – on plurk especially, for they’re the ones who brought laughter when I’m down. The crazy bunch of people really knows how to cheer people up. Thanks guys!

Love
Been pretty stagnant, there’s nothing to update. Already getting used to people asking – are you attached? when are you getting married?

Seeing friends getting married, I’m feeling happy for them. Envious yes, but there shouldn’t be any rush.

Health

Generally health is pretty ok, I won’t say it’s going downhill – with the many diarrhoeas that I’d been complaining about. Generally I’m fine. *repeats after myself*

Wealth
This is something that I seriously lack discipline in. I’m bad at managing my own finances, that’s why I’m glad I have my mum around. hahaha

I think I’m pretty much done. 2008 had been quite smooth-sailing (?).

With 2009 coming in 10mins time, I’m supposed to have some resolutions listed out? Jiawen says I look like a motivated person with resolutions?!

So here goes!

– re-learn Japanese with Miyuki-san

– save enough to go Taiwan with family in June

– change in wardrobe

3 is enough to keep me busy for the year I guess. We shall see if they really happen.

Meanwhile, Happy New Year! Wishing you a blessed new year and good health for the year ahead!

I don’t know where I got the this from, but it came to my mind when I was thinking of a title for this entry.

I actually wanted to do a reflections entry, but seeing that I might not be able to finish it before I doze off, I saved that as draft until I’m in a more sober mode.

So what’s for now?? I wanted to do some serious blogging, but the mood always get dampened somehow.

I always have ideas on what to blog about, even to the extent of forming the sentences mentally, when I’m BUSY at work. But when I really sit down and try to blog, I’ve no inspirations. Sigh.

Even so, I have to blog! Else what am I paying the hosting-fee-for-this-domain for? Heh!

I must say though, my life changed – a little if not a lot – when I joined Plurk. For the uninitiated,

Plurk is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows users to send updates (otherwise known as plurks) through short messages or links

It is a noun, yet a verb at the same time, adapted from the plurk site.

Noun. plurk (plüer-kh) – A really snazzy site that allows you to showcase the events that make up your life in deliciously digestible chunks. Low in fat, 5 calories per serving, yet chock full of goodness.

Verb. plurk (plüer-kh) – To chronicle the events of your always on, action-packed, storybook, semi-charmed kinda life.

Hmm enough said.

I joined plurk, coz I wanted to be in the “clique” in office, with many of my colleagues from the Accounts Servicing dept in plurkville. And since uncle Brian was leaving us, plurk’s one way of keeping in contact with him, back then.

And so, few weeks later, I found out by chance that a university aquaintence is on plurk too! Through him, I got to know many other plurkers , whom I got to know personally due to the many plurk outings.

Ha.. some sparks did fly. But isn’t it common when you’re meeting people for the first time? There’s this sudden feel of attraction? I dunno, have been out of a relationship for 3 years now. And like what I’ve been repeating what-seems-like-forever, that fateful episode 3 years back left such a huge impact that I’m being cautious now. Once bitten twice shy. I can talk about it like it’s no big deal, but I’d been so severely hurt that all confidence has been lost. So when sparks flew, I ran away.

I can never differentiate now, whether it’s just lust or attraction. Better to be safe than sorry, as the saying goes.

3 more years before I hit the big 3. I am still looking for the one, but I’m still scared. I’ve not entirely recovered from the depression – there are still some times when I feel lost, especially when I’m alone. Life is that fragile.

The thought of the fragility of life made me think of my grandpas. With tears forming in the eyes and falling. I wonder where they are now. Are they having a good life in the other world?

*suddenly realise I went off-track, but still, I miss my grandpas.*

The fragility of life, the comfort-zone that I’m living in now. Am I in a self-denial state? I’ve no wish to step out of my comfort zone at this moment, but I know I have to. Else I’ll never find the one. I’ll never be able to give myself a chance at relationships again. I’ll never be able to trust anyone, again.

Finally, I know I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again.

I need my self-confidence back.