Christmas is the season for love

I don’t know where I got the this from, but it came to my mind when I was thinking of a title for this entry.

I actually wanted to do a reflections entry, but seeing that I might not be able to finish it before I doze off, I saved that as draft until I’m in a more sober mode.

So what’s for now?? I wanted to do some serious blogging, but the mood always get dampened somehow.

I always have ideas on what to blog about, even to the extent of forming the sentences mentally, when I’m BUSY at work. But when I really sit down and try to blog, I’ve no inspirations. Sigh.

Even so, I have to blog! Else what am I paying the hosting-fee-for-this-domain for? Heh!

I must say though, my life changed – a little if not a lot – when I joined Plurk. For the uninitiated,

Plurk is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows users to send updates (otherwise known as plurks) through short messages or links

It is a noun, yet a verb at the same time, adapted from the plurk site.

Noun. plurk (plüer-kh) – A really snazzy site that allows you to showcase the events that make up your life in deliciously digestible chunks. Low in fat, 5 calories per serving, yet chock full of goodness.

Verb. plurk (plüer-kh) – To chronicle the events of your always on, action-packed, storybook, semi-charmed kinda life.

Hmm enough said.

I joined plurk, coz I wanted to be in the “clique” in office, with many of my colleagues from the Accounts Servicing dept in plurkville. And since uncle Brian was leaving us, plurk’s one way of keeping in contact with him, back then.

And so, few weeks later, I found out by chance that a university aquaintence is on plurk too! Through him, I got to know many other plurkers , whom I got to know personally due to the many plurk outings.

Ha.. some sparks did fly. But isn’t it common when you’re meeting people for the first time? There’s this sudden feel of attraction? I dunno, have been out of a relationship for 3 years now. And like what I’ve been repeating what-seems-like-forever, that fateful episode 3 years back left such a huge impact that I’m being cautious now. Once bitten twice shy. I can talk about it like it’s no big deal, but I’d been so severely hurt that all confidence has been lost. So when sparks flew, I ran away.

I can never differentiate now, whether it’s just lust or attraction. Better to be safe than sorry, as the saying goes.

3 more years before I hit the big 3. I am still looking for the one, but I’m still scared. I’ve not entirely recovered from the depression – there are still some times when I feel lost, especially when I’m alone. Life is that fragile.

The thought of the fragility of life made me think of my grandpas. With tears forming in the eyes and falling. I wonder where they are now. Are they having a good life in the other world?

*suddenly realise I went off-track, but still, I miss my grandpas.*

The fragility of life, the comfort-zone that I’m living in now. Am I in a self-denial state? I’ve no wish to step out of my comfort zone at this moment, but I know I have to. Else I’ll never find the one. I’ll never be able to give myself a chance at relationships again. I’ll never be able to trust anyone, again.

Finally, I know I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again.

I need my self-confidence back.

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